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To See The Future..

This is the post excerpt.

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If I knew this was going to be the result of me moving back .. maybe I would have still moved here. I don’t know. Any day spent with you is better than any day spent without. The first breakup was the hardest.. I didn’t eat for four days, I couldn’t sleep more than twenty minutes at a time. But I had my family. That’s what got me through it or maybe it was the fact we never really stopped texting each other.. maybe I didn’t want to accept it was real. Then you got into a relationship and that made it real. My heart has never sunk so deep into my chest before. He’s moved on. Maybe I was the one living a fairy tale. 

I couldn’t handle it. I woke up every day knowing I was going to drink the thought of him away, the pain of the worst heartbreak I’ve ever felt. Every day seemed to get harder than the day before it. I had to tell him.. I had to tell him how I felt, maybe that would help me let go. It did quite the opppsite. I journaled my thoughts here and there. I had to get it out. My head was filling with thoughts that made it almost unbearable. 

I missed him. I missed Maryland. I missed my little family we had started. I missed my apartment, my job, and the very few people I was actually allowed to have as friends. 

I had to take some medicine that required me not to drink, I was sober for 16 days. 16 days of hell. That’s when I had to accept everything for what it was. I couldn’t drink the thought away, I had to see it, deal with it, and move on from it. That didn’t really work.

You came home for a week, a couple weeks after I moved back. You wanted me to move back. But we fought every day that week except for the last day where you thought you could shower me in gifts and I’d move back. That’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was watch you walk away while I stayed back. 

You thought I didn’t love you anymore, it was quite the opposite. You didn’t see the tears I cried in the bathroom that day at work. You didn’t see the tears I cried when my mom held me because she knew I was only being strong for you. 

When we worked everything out and was working on things at a distance, it was great. It was perfect. We FaceTimed every night, every single second I could. We hadn’t been this great since the beginning of our relationship when I didn’t know all the things you were doing. The cheating, the lying, the girls, everything. That’s what changed our relationship. It wasn’t because I didn’t care anymore it’s because I had to forgive all that but even forgiving it doesn’t make one forget. No matter how hard I wanted to. 

I gave so much into this relationship, invested so much. But you never saw it. You never see it. This will be the fourth time I have to uproot my life again, because you only want me when it’s convenient for you. You will never understand. 

I never loved someone so much before. Day #2 I gave you the look and I was so scared. You could see it all over my face. The feelings I have for you fill my entire body. Maybe that’s what I don’t want to let go of. The feeling of feeling every nerve ending in my body when you utter the words “I love you.” Being with you, makes me feel like the world has stopped and that forever wouldn’t be long enough with you. The day you proposed I couldn’t even hold my emotions back. It was the greatest day of my life. But you took the proposal back.. just like every other promise you made.

Everyone could see how much I loved you. My parents let me move in with you so early because they knew that’s where my home was. My bestfriends called you my soulmate before I ever even did. They supported me, regardless of having to quit my job and school, they knew where I had to be. That was with you. 

I don’t know how our relationship got so toxic for each other. I think you just weren’t ready to settle down the way you thought you were. You wanted to play games while having a girlfriend. One of my bestfriends now is someone you cheated on me with. When I say I can forgive I mean it. But after how many times do you stop forgiving? I’ve not reached that point. I was willing to forgive the other night if we could stay together and move on. Why haven’t I reached my limit yet? 

I know who, where and what I see in my life. That’s you, our family, our home and our life. There’s not a day I don’t see that in my future. But if I knew moving back this time was going to end in you asking me to go back to Illinois and we do our own things, i don’t know what I would have done. Because I loved having these months with you since I moved back. And i don’t know if I’d say I wouldn’t of moved back knowing we’d break up again. Because I’d give anything to spend one more day with you. 

I don’t even understand how you feel right now. You act like everything is okay. Kissing me goodbye telling me you love me. Wanting me to sleep next to you when we go to bed. But you say you don’t know what you want then say you still want me to move home. All I ask is if you can move me out here , move me back. I can’t do it without you this time. I don’t know how I’m even going to get through this this time. I know how much I dreaded the next sunrise without you and I don’t expect this time to be any different. You say you don’t want us to be done done but who can predict the future if we aren’t in each other’s lives? You could find someone, I could find someone. The world isn’t a gift granting place.. but if I could ask for one gift it would to spend every day with you.. 

I love you. 

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To love again.. 

Why am I so scared to love? I’ve done it before…But with you? Again. Can I do this? 

Since the moment I laid eyes on you I fell harder than I’ve ever with anyone. I didn’t really know you at all actually. But as soon as you walked up to the first time we ever met, it was like second nature. We almost hugged but I backed away, like a coward. I blushed and as soon as I looked up to see your smile my heart melted.. I wish I could say your eyes but you were wearing the same sunglasses you always wear. The day was the second most greatest day of my life. I found everything I was looking for. Standing there in front of me. I had no idea how I was going to make you mine. But I knew I was going to do whatever you asked of me. 

I wasn’t scared to love you. I wasn’t scared to show it. I wanted you to see it. I wanted you to feel it. I wasn’t scared of anything with you. You were my safe place. 

But that was before everything.. before I found out about the first girl. Before every ounce of trust I had for you was blown out the window. You did whatever and whoever. Pushed me as far as you could. You tested my limits. You tested your limits of what I’d let you do and forgive you for. I can’t say you were all to blame because I stayed knowing everything you were doing. I forgave because I never wanted to let go of the love I had for you. My heart had never been so full…

Here we meet again. After being left completely iN Illinois to find my own way back. We were supposed to work through this and go back together but you left. And in turn I was moving back home for the second time and moving back here for the third. It was hard. I’d never went through that type of depression with anything. I couldn’t sleep and then when I could I couldn’t get enough of it. The empty bed beside me was a stranger. The room I renovated to live in was like a ghost. I tried to move on and she hurt me more than I ever thought. I never knew one person could effect how someone feels about themselves so much. You may have torn me down over time but she did it all in a week. I was devasted. All I wanted was you. Dinner dates, random parties, weekend get aways was nothing if it wasn’t with you. All I could think about was you. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to talk to you..

I would never regret trying for you even if you didn’t want me. I had to tell you how I felt about you and if you rejected me then so be it. But I had to get it out. I had to accept it. All I tried to do was avoid it by drinking. You answered every text I sent you. It was like god answered my prayers and I was loving every minute of it. I couldn’t get enough of you. You. Someone I could talk to about anything. Someone I could look at for hours and never get bored. Someone I could spend the rest of my life with and it’d be the greatest life I ever lived. 

But now we are here. I moved back and this apartment is home. Our home. But why do I feel so strange to it. Will I get used to the feeling of living here or will it feel like a vacation forever? I feel like life’s passing by and I’m still in shock of what to even do with it. I’m standing in a room of everyone going to college and everyone Landing their dreams jobs. Then there’s me. Loving someone so hard I forget the world around me. But why can’t I trust him? He’s shown me proof. Every time his phone goes off my heart starts racing. I’m terrified to ever see a girl pop up on any of the notifications. He sat there sleeping and his phone goes off and the urge to go through it was almost impossible to pass up. But I distracted myself. How can I teach myself to trust again? I want to so badly but my mind will not be fooled again. Idk what he has to prove to me but whatever it is I hope I figure it out. When he leaves for work I wonder who he’s texting or if he’s really even at work. Why must my mind think these thoughts? Because he put them there? The damage is done. Well I want to do whatever I can to undo the damage. 

I asked him one question when we started talking again and it was “how did we ever get so bad?” That question runs through my mind all day. How do things get bad? Maybe because you want to work with your said person of interest that you just suffocate them. And they run. They want off that leash you have them so bound tightly on. That they act out. That they want free. I guess I never really saw it because I wasn’t the one fucking up so I didn’t have to deal with the consequences. But I see them now. I suffocated him. 

I’m scared. I’m so incredibly scared. I’m scared to let him in. I’m scared to even love him. I can’t even let my guard down to let him see how much he hurt me and that it’s gonna take an army to put it back together. He’s giving his all and all I can think about is if I let this guard down and love him as hard as I do, he’ll hurt me. Every time he hurts me it’s worse than the first. But if he’s giving his all then so am I. How do you teach yourself to let someone in? How do you teach yourself to trust him again? 

I’m working every day to trust him and every day to take one brick down at a time to let him in. I never knew of something that could be so hard. Trust. Something so easy to lose yet so hard to gain. Tonight was everything I needed to hear from him. He told me everything I wanted to hear but without me telling him what to say. The wall is down. The blood is flowing in my ice cold heart. That’s all it took. And I fell harder than the first time I laid eyes on you. The love is real. It’s just you and me now. I’m going to do whatever it takes to make our relationship be the way we need it to be, will you? 

Mystery

Since Monday night when you up and decided you didn’t want me after one petty fight I have been living in a hell of my own thoughts. What could I have done differently? What made you just finally say you were done? 

Every day has been a constant struggle. I feel like you want me and you’ll show me that you do. Next time I see you, it’s like something switched it off in your head and you don’t want me. 

The constant back and forth is driving me insane. My thoughts are driving me insane. I want to know what I need to do without you taking it back a couple hours later. Without asking me to do all this on my own if I have to move. 

How could you be so selfish?

Your reasons for not wanting to be with me are so you can go and hangout with all your girlfriends at home, get drunk with them and then hell who knows what will happen next. I’ve never heard such ridiculous reasons. “I want off my leash.” Then you never should of asked me for this type of commitment. 

You told me you wouldn’t help me move. You wouldn’t help me pack my stuff. You weren’t going to care. How could you continue to move me here and make me move back on my own. Let me show you what it’s like to walk away. To restart everything. To go through the heartbreak. To not be able to breathe without one person that could care less about you. 

Love isn’t something you have as a convenience when you’re tired of playing games with the other girls. It’s a commitment everyday. Every fight gets worked out. When you love someone you don’t give up so easy. You don’t give up because you’re tired of the same person day in and day out. The spark is gone. It may be gone but that’s where you have to persevere and know what you want and that’s what you’re gonna work towards every day. I’m going to make MY girl happy today. Whatever it takes. 

I still don’t know what’s happening in our relationship but I know I’m not ready to let go. I’m not. My aunt gave me some advice and she’s 100% right. Until I know I’m done I’m going to keep coming back and I’m going to keep asking people to come bring me back to Illinois. Because I cannot force myself to drive away from this home. Our home. Watch everything we ever built together fall into a million pieces. 

All I do is try to understand, try to listen to your needs. But you won’t let me in. You want to laugh at me because I’m trying to fix our relationship instead of laugh it off and walk out the door. I just want to understand why you can want two completely opposite things at the same time. 

I understand if by Sunday you want me to move out but for the past week you have treated me the absolute worst. You don’t even have the respect to make a decision and stick with it or even tell me because all I get are I don’t knows. I’m so sick of hearing that I could stab my ear drum out the next time you say it. You don’t even have the respect to wait to talk to girls, no you’re already making plans with them when you get back. Your exes at that. Just laughing in my face. While I nap because I’ve been crying so hard I got tired. You will snap every girl you have on your snapchat. I don’t even want to know what you’ve been saying. I honestly don’t think I could handle it. You’ve been over my shoulder about who’s been texting me and snapping me and who I’ve been talking to yet. I haven’t seen your phone unless you’re all the way on the other side of the couch facing the opposite direction. I ask you hoping I’ll get the truth but I know I won’t. You’re just going to answer with “I’m going to do whatever the fuck I want and I don’t care what I do anymore.” I don’t know why you have to treat me with such disrespect. You can’t have your cake and eat it to. I’m sorry. 

I asked if you wanted to get back together after this trip home and I get a yes then it turns to idk then it turns to I think you should pack most of your stuff. I just don’t understand what is happening. What is happening? Please let me know. Fill me in. Let me in your thoughts. I can’t live with myself thinking you’re gonna want to get back together and then get the news flash that you never actually did want that. 

You watch your words break my heart, day in and day out. You stare at me with this blank stare.. stare of ice.. stare of I don’t even know how to explain it. But it’s a stare I never want to keep looking at like I have been. I go to bed crying, I wake up crying, I mid day cry wondering if you even love me still or what the hell this is. Some type of rebellion? You’re tired of being tied down. Because you actually don’t want this type of commitment? 

I remember all the promises made before I moved back this time I’m just wondering where the hell all those went? You knew how things were going to be and you can’t say you didn’t. Because I told you how I was going to be. Every day since I left you’ve tried harder than ever to get me back and I’m just wondering why you don’t want to keep trying? I’ve never lost my want to try or want to commit with you. And anybody who knows me knows my fear of commitment. I never imagined I’d ever live with a guy and two months after meeting you I was moving in. Which literally happened to be one of the best decisions I’ve made. The day I moved showed up on my timehop the other day.. and your response was it was the best decisions we’ve ever made. So I’m not misinterpreting.. maybe you’re just miscommunicating. 

I guess I believed you when you said we wouldn’t break up again. Or that this was it all or nothing. The only thing I’ve seen you contributing is nothing. So I guess I gave it all and it wasn’t enough? I’m not enough? 

One thing I hope for any girl is that they never have to feel the pain I’ve felt the past week. Many people give me their opinions and their advice but honestly at the end of the day it’s up to me and what I want to do. And what I want to do is love the person, laying next to me, unconditionally. Forever. 

I wish he’d choose me like I choose him..