If I knew this was going to be the result of me moving back .. maybe I would have still moved here. I don’t know. Any day spent with you is better than any day spent without. The first breakup was the hardest.. I didn’t eat for four days, I couldn’t sleep more than twenty minutes at a time. But I had my family. That’s what got me through it or maybe it was the fact we never really stopped texting each other.. maybe I didn’t want to accept it was real. Then you got into a relationship and that made it real. My heart has never sunk so deep into my chest before. He’s moved on. Maybe I was the one living a fairy tale.
I couldn’t handle it. I woke up every day knowing I was going to drink the thought of him away, the pain of the worst heartbreak I’ve ever felt. Every day seemed to get harder than the day before it. I had to tell him.. I had to tell him how I felt, maybe that would help me let go. It did quite the opppsite. I journaled my thoughts here and there. I had to get it out. My head was filling with thoughts that made it almost unbearable.
I missed him. I missed Maryland. I missed my little family we had started. I missed my apartment, my job, and the very few people I was actually allowed to have as friends.
I had to take some medicine that required me not to drink, I was sober for 16 days. 16 days of hell. That’s when I had to accept everything for what it was. I couldn’t drink the thought away, I had to see it, deal with it, and move on from it. That didn’t really work.
You came home for a week, a couple weeks after I moved back. You wanted me to move back. But we fought every day that week except for the last day where you thought you could shower me in gifts and I’d move back. That’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was watch you walk away while I stayed back.
You thought I didn’t love you anymore, it was quite the opposite. You didn’t see the tears I cried in the bathroom that day at work. You didn’t see the tears I cried when my mom held me because she knew I was only being strong for you.
When we worked everything out and was working on things at a distance, it was great. It was perfect. We FaceTimed every night, every single second I could. We hadn’t been this great since the beginning of our relationship when I didn’t know all the things you were doing. The cheating, the lying, the girls, everything. That’s what changed our relationship. It wasn’t because I didn’t care anymore it’s because I had to forgive all that but even forgiving it doesn’t make one forget. No matter how hard I wanted to.
I gave so much into this relationship, invested so much. But you never saw it. You never see it. This will be the fourth time I have to uproot my life again, because you only want me when it’s convenient for you. You will never understand.
I never loved someone so much before. Day #2 I gave you the look and I was so scared. You could see it all over my face. The feelings I have for you fill my entire body. Maybe that’s what I don’t want to let go of. The feeling of feeling every nerve ending in my body when you utter the words “I love you.” Being with you, makes me feel like the world has stopped and that forever wouldn’t be long enough with you. The day you proposed I couldn’t even hold my emotions back. It was the greatest day of my life. But you took the proposal back.. just like every other promise you made.
Everyone could see how much I loved you. My parents let me move in with you so early because they knew that’s where my home was. My bestfriends called you my soulmate before I ever even did. They supported me, regardless of having to quit my job and school, they knew where I had to be. That was with you.
I don’t know how our relationship got so toxic for each other. I think you just weren’t ready to settle down the way you thought you were. You wanted to play games while having a girlfriend. One of my bestfriends now is someone you cheated on me with. When I say I can forgive I mean it. But after how many times do you stop forgiving? I’ve not reached that point. I was willing to forgive the other night if we could stay together and move on. Why haven’t I reached my limit yet?
I know who, where and what I see in my life. That’s you, our family, our home and our life. There’s not a day I don’t see that in my future. But if I knew moving back this time was going to end in you asking me to go back to Illinois and we do our own things, i don’t know what I would have done. Because I loved having these months with you since I moved back. And i don’t know if I’d say I wouldn’t of moved back knowing we’d break up again. Because I’d give anything to spend one more day with you.
I don’t even understand how you feel right now. You act like everything is okay. Kissing me goodbye telling me you love me. Wanting me to sleep next to you when we go to bed. But you say you don’t know what you want then say you still want me to move home. All I ask is if you can move me out here , move me back. I can’t do it without you this time. I don’t know how I’m even going to get through this this time. I know how much I dreaded the next sunrise without you and I don’t expect this time to be any different. You say you don’t want us to be done done but who can predict the future if we aren’t in each other’s lives? You could find someone, I could find someone. The world isn’t a gift granting place.. but if I could ask for one gift it would to spend every day with you..
I love you.